I Want It Anyway 

I want but I don’t like that I want. Things, attention, praise, and love. 

I wish I had this, I wish they’d see me, know me, hear me, feel me. I squish the wanting as soon as it buds and push it back down. It feels unclean. Like the slime from an okra that clings even when you try to wash it off.

I wish I didn’t want. I’m mature and should know better. Things don’t fill the hole. Praise doesn’t determine my worth. If I love myself, that should be enough. Wanting makes me needy and that’s not a good look. 

Blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard that. I KNOW that. It doesn’t stop the want from stirring up and making itself known. And once it takes root it can’t be pulled out. Not without it taking away a piece of the earth with it.

I still want the dress, the shiny shallow things, my 15 minutes of fame, for someone to say “you’re amazing.” I want the $10k vacation and a home to come back to. 

No amount of looking in the mirror and self-lecturing stops this wanting. 

Paired Listening

Before Today – Everything But The Girl

From the Five Part Body Playlist